What do you mean "Swords are Lame"?!

Brom charged the door, caving it inwards with one mighty blow from his tower shield. This had been his preferred way of bringing down dreaded doors. Or bringing down demons. Or skeletons. or allied players …

Without breaking stride he gave the bird on his shoulder a pat and said in the thickest Russian accent you ever heard, “Is bad door. Needs work.”

Based on the new League of Legends character, a brand new player at my table desperately wanted to play a champion who wields nothing but a big tower shield that he uses to hit people with. Yes, he bases most of his decisions on League of Legends and I know what you’re thinking: “There aren’t rules for an item like that! He’d have to take a feat to be able to use a weapon like that! He’d have to lose the AC bonus for the round he attacked- I’ma stop you there before you manage to push your glasses all the way through your bridge of your nose. That’s dangerous.

What’s my one rule?

Always say yes.

I whipped up a 1d8, +4 AC Tower Shield of Wrecking for him in about 5 minutes. Made it a Songcraft weapon so it would play brief seconds from Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball whenever he struck an object. And after it played through the whole song? Became sentient and pissed about it. Basically if Danni Devito could be a sentient shield that swore and spoke in rhyming, derogatory couplets.

“Don’t you know how to duck?
Seriously, bro, what the f***?!”

We laughed about that shield for 2 hours as we made it and we laughed for the entire 6 hour session as he took out doors, enemies, walls, and used it as a makeshift tent. We had more fun that we had ever imagined laughing about a tower shield. Seriously, think about a regular tower shield and try to make it funny.

I’ll wait.

I lied. I’m not gonna wait.

Making weird or interesting weapons for your players is something you should approach with a mixture of apprehension and excitement. Sorta like snake charming. Anytime a player wants something weird or special it’s a dangerous moment. They could be trying to break the game. They could be trying to get an edge on whatever monsters you’re going to throw at them. They could be trying to wring you out of a nice item for cheap.

Or they could be trying to have fun.

Not everyone who plays an RPG wants to be a knight or a thief or a sorceress or a shieldmaiden. Some want to be goofy and silly and have fun alongside the serious players who are very, very concerned about the fate of Elven racial rights. I’ll address how to hold together a party of mixed personalities at a later time but when a player has an idea that will lead to fun I generally roll with it. I’m going to use that pun a lot. Get used to it.

My approach to making new items, weapons, or artifacts is to remember to balance the issue. If Brom is wielding only a Tower Shield then that’s his only weapon. He can’t wield anything else so no torch in his off-hand. Two attacks if he’s lucky and a cover bonus for his allies. Just his allies. If he wants to be the party’s tank then he’s gonna be the party’s tank.

If he had tried to complain I would have told him to take a sword and board get over it. Don’t let your players push you around. Especially when you’re doing them a favor and giving them something cool. Sometimes players are like 4 year olds and they need to have very clear boundaries because you can’t use magic to manipulate shopkeepers without dipping toward evil and you have to eat your vegetables because I said so.

So his Shield has to do damage but not as much damage as possible. I made it 1d8 because it’s a good middle range of damage that won’t aggravate the great sword wielding paladin or the hammer throwing ranger dwarf. Four AC boost because it’s a walking wall of steel but that means he’s going to get disadvantage on just about any check that requires him to be agile. For every 1up mushroom I throw the party I try to throw a banana peel just to be safe. Sometimes literal banana peels. I have a lot of players that prefer to charge into danger.

When you make a new item keep these things in mind and you should do fine:

- Consider the item’s role

- Make certain the item cannot break the party dynamic

- Make certain the item is fun, not a pain

For now I’ll put this topic aside. I may return to it someday, dust it off, and wonder what the hell I was doing.